AT THE WATER’S EDGE:

Wow. It has been nearly three years since I have blogged. It’s hard to know where to begin again, but I would be remiss if I did not begin where I left off. The last time I posted, we had just become full-time parents through foster care, leading into adoption. It took a year after placement to finalize adoption, and we’re coming up on the two year anniversary of that! We ended up being able to finalize the adoption on my 37th birthday, which was very special. Because it was during COVID, we had to do the court hearing virtually — but that ended up being a blessing as family and friends from out of town were able to attend virtually! It has been a wild ride and busy indeed — hence the long hiatus. We have been blessed with sweet and amazing twins — a boy and a girl whom I will call J and P for the purposes of this blog — who just turned 5, are almost complete opposites, best frienemies, and what I call “two handsful”! They are sweet and charming and the cutest things, especially when they’re together. They have that special twin bond that is a closeness like no other. Becoming parents to twin toddlers was a whirlwind and I’m still learning so much all the time. Since this blog is about learning, I think I’ll re-enter the blogging world with things I’ve learned since becoming a parent. Since we have had three years, I’ll share three things I’ve learned in a few different arenas. And, hopefully I can get back to writing more regularly now that the kids are a little bit older and I’m starting to occasionally have a bit of margin in my life. Without further ado, here are three things that I have learned…

About Myself

1. I am not as patient as I thought I was. Oof. That’s a stinger to admit. I honestly thought I was a really patient person. And I think in some ways, I am. For the long waiting things. I mean, I waited 8 years for kids and I think I waited fairly patiently most of that time. But it’s the little things. Like, does it really have to take 10 minutes every time your kid pees? Or 15 minutes just to corral them into the car? I guess God thought I had more to learn in this area. As it turns out, the Fruits of the Spirit are just what I need to be a good parent. I keep coming back to that list, asking God to let me live by his Spirit and these fruits: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
2. I have such a lack of imagination! My son is constantly asking me to tell him stories. Much of the time I have to tell him that I think my imagination’s broke! Occasionally I can come up with something halfway decent. Most of the time I tell true stories because those are easier for me. Imaginitive play is also hard for me. When I think back to my childhood, I didn’t do much of that as a kid, either. My kids on the other hand, have amazing imaginations! It’s been fun to see the crazy things they come up with as they play. What wonderful little minds!
3. I am a strong advocate. My personality type on the Myers-Briggs (INFJ) is often called The Advocate. Turns out, it is fitting. Kids with a trauma history typically have extra needs and ours are no exception. But from the very beginning I have been advocating for them, making sure they have all of the care and support and resources they need to thrive. It’s not often I put myself out there and fight for something, but I will fight for my kids. Always.

About Trauma

1. Adoption is trauma. Nobody likes to hear that. Least of all, perhaps, adoptive parents. We as parents are excited to welcome new kids into our home and families. And many times the children are happy in their adoptive homes. We certainly feel like our kids and us were a great fit and we’re all happy to be a family. But it doesn’t negate the fact that these kids lost their first family — and many things that come along with that. Adoption from foster care means that at some point, the kids were in an unsafe environment and experienced something bad enough that they were removed from their home. Changing families is not easy — even on the very little ones. Many people incorrectly assume that if kids don’t remember it, it can’t be traumatic. The truth is, the earlier the trauma, the deeper the trauma because it affects the developing brain. See #2.
2. Trauma wires the brain for survival. This is something I started learning about as we entered the world of foster care and have continued diving into ever since. The world of neuroscience and brain development is fascinating. Complex developmental trauma, such as experienced by kids in foster care (abuse or neglect are the typical reasons kids are removed from their homes), causes the developing brain to wire in such a way that is protectionary. The “fight or flight” stress responses gets triggered by the drop of a hat and can lead to some baffling behaviors — and kids who do not respond to standard parenting methods. Our job is to calm the nervous system, help the kids to *feel* safe (they may not feel safe even when they really are) and secure and soothed. Only then can learning happen. Only then will you see behavior change.
3. The brain is “plastic”. They call it “neuroplasticity”. It means that the brain can change, re-wire and learn to work in different ways. That’s good news! It means kids don’t have to remain stuck in that survival brain, that over time, their brains can for new neuropathways that are suited for their new, safe environments. It takes time…lots of time and repetition, but there is hope even for kids who have faced some of the worst.

About Parenting

1. It’s about me showing up well. If we go by the pareto principal, probably about 80% of what goes on in our house is determined by how I show up. Am I distracted? Am I attentive and engaged? Am I irritable? Am I playful and fun? Do I use the trauma-informed parenting strategies or revert to whatever “reactionary” response first comes to mind? I set the tone for the day and how I respond can either escalate or de-escalate a situation. It doesn’t mean it’s all on me, but I know that how I show up makes a huge difference in my kids’ behavior and ability to do well themselves.
2. When in doubt, just add water! There are times as a parent when you just need your kid to be occupied for more than five minutes. There are times when kids are dysregulated and they need a space to calm. There are times when kids are bored and nothing seems fun. When you feel stuck on what to do: just add water. Do a water sensory bin — we do a “car wash” and it can keep them occpuied for a LONG time. Stick them in the bath tub — add lavendar or epsom salts — to calm, sooth or get some sensory input. Go outside and play in the sprinkler, splash in a puddle, whatever — (most) kids love water! Mine do, anyways!
3. Playfulness and laughter can turn anything around. It’s hard, because it’s the moments when you feel least playful (kid just spat at you or chucked something across the room, perhaps?) that it’s often most needed. Laughter has the power to diffuse a tense situation and calm that fight or flight response — plus, humor makes everything more fun. Every dose of silliness, playfulness, humor or laughter helps. Sometimes it’s just me saying something funny for my own benefit to keep myself regulated. Othertimes, it’s making objects talk and talking in silly voices to engage my kids — or just to see them smile. Nothing beats the smile of your child! And when you see something turn from a power struggle into laughing together, that’s a major win!

It’s hard to pick just a few things that I’ve learned as it’s been like drinking from a firehose, but those are a the first things that came to mind as key learnings over the past few years. As the forever learner, I’ll continue to read, listen and research as I continue on this parenting journey. They key is to not lose sight of the one who gives me wisdom, to not get lost in the details and forget to focus on the wonder of who my kids are, who God is, and what God is trying to do in and through me. I pray that he would continue to teach me and humble me that I can be an example to my kids and exemplify what it means to love.

“do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:4